Well, this is an interesting subject. These days so many people are aware of the problems of bullying in school, the pressures it can put on children, that it is a very hot topic. Most schools have a bullying policy, and counselling available for those who have suffered, but what happens if you were bullied year ago? What can you do to get rid of the problems, the emotional scars, which can reside in you for the rest of your life.  I can't answer that question, I wish I could, but I just don't know. So I'm not going to write a how-to get better, rather a this is what happened to me, and how I am dealing with it now.

I can't remember when the bullying started, actually from this distance it appears to have blurred into a whole time. I can remember some certain incidents, but in general it's just a huge period of my life where I was in fear of pain, of rejection, of humiliation on a daily basis. For the record, I can recally being bullied in primary school, and I would put then end of it probably the day before I left my high school, after doing my A levels. That's a period of 18 years, including my formative years, of being bullied.

Those incidents which do stick in my mind are, by their very nature, extreme; but they do give a good idea of the normal day-to-day situation I was in. When I was about 14 or 15, during one unforgettable winter, I was walking to school. My school backed onto a park, and it was possible to walk through the park to get to school. It had been snowing, and the entire park was white, with that just new freshness which you only get when the snow is unblemished. I was wandering through this crisp whiteness, when without warning, I was jumped from behind, and thrown to the ground. As I huddled there, desparately trying to cover my head, I was kicked by a group of other children, for what seemed to me to be an eternity. I wore glasses at that time, in fact I still do, and I can remember clearly fearing to loose my eyesight if one of them kicked me in the face, and splintered my glasses into my eye. I was kicked in the face, I can clearly remember that, but my glasses were unharmed, as was my eyes. I wish I could say that for the rest of me.

When I was in my primary school school, the boy I sat on the right of seemed to spend all his time kicking me in the leg. I frequently had bruises up and down my left calf. When I mentioned this to the teacher, whose name I will elide to protect the memories of those who he taught, told me that since the bruises were brown and purple then I must be lying, as I wouldn't be bruised that much if I had just been kicked that day. Today if a child had had the same kind of bruises I had at that time, social services would have been round in a shot. Those days were much more innocent! He did agree, however, that if I could find a witness, someone who saw the boy kick me, and would be willing to tell him, then something could be done about it. However when I turned up with a child who was willing to state what had happend, I was informed that it was too late, and nothing could be done.

The same class was the setting for my third and final example. When I was just leaving that school, in about 1981, I was just sitting in my seat, when I saw something which appeared to me to be a large, grey ball heading towards me. As it hit my face, my eye exploded with pain, and I cried out. From my view, I could only state that someone had thrown what I thought was a ball at me. The teacher started a search, and all that could be found was a pencil on the floor, and a small, sharp mark just under my right eye where the lead of it had hit me.  The school liaised with my parents, and pointed out that since it was the end of the term, and the pupil who was responsible would be leaving in under 3 days, there was nothing which could be done.

If you can remember any of the above incidents from another point of view, or were at school with me and witnessed what happened, or even were the bully, please, don't be scared. I'm not out for revenge. After this time it would be useless to pursue. As a christian I don't believe it is worthwhile, and forgiveness is a much greater force for good. So, for the record, I forgive those bullies, and those teachers, and in fact everyone who stood by and let it happen.

How do I cope with it now? Well, for many years I just ignored it and pushed it down, repressing even the memories. This is the wrong way of dealing with it. The pain is still there, the distrust, the fear, still come to the surface, but you don't know why - you are forced to live your life a hostage to emotions caused by events in the past. Remembering, and dealing with it, are the only way to be sane. Two and a bit breakdowns have taught me that.

As I said before, forgivenss is a great force for good. Forgiving those people who did it is one way of letting go of the events. It doesn't stop the pain, far from it, but it does stop the anger, and the hatred. That is a good start, as it allows you to let go of the pain over time. For those out there who have been hurt in the past, I can honestly say holding on to anger against the perpetrator does you more harm that it ever does to them. Anger screws you up inside, and frequently the person you are angry at is not even aware of it. Releasing that anger can be hard, but forgiveness is the first step. It's not a wishy-washy nice feeling. Forgiveness is hard. It's gritty. It says I know you hurt me, I know you did things to me which still effect me today, and I know that part of me wants to really hurt you in response, but despite my feelings, despite my anger, I choose to forgive you, to not act on what you did. And it's not just once you have to forgive, some people I have had to forgive again and again, for the same thing. Still, whenever I get angry at that teacher mentioned above, I stop, take a deep breath, and say I forgive him.

So, what do you do after forgiving? Well, as far as I've seen so far, forgive again, and hand over to God all the things you can't cope with. Knowing God can deal with it, and is on my side helping me as I go through this is so useful. He told me the other day that there is a place for me reserved in heaven, and that it was mine, and no-one could take it away from me. I would be safe there. That helped. In fact, that made me burst into tears. My eyes still brim with tears just reading that.

No matter how supporting God can be, and is, however, you also need people to help and support you. My husband is wonderful. He understands what I'm going through, as he was bullied himself. He holds me when I cry, and he is there for me. I also have an understanding counsellor, who I can talk it all over with. So getting help from other people is vital as well. Your friends, family can be great, however you do need someone who is trained in dealing with trauma victims. It was a great surprise when I realised that actually I had been living in post-traumatic stress from those events, but that's an accurate diagnosis. I was traumatised when I was a child, and the stress which comes out these days is because of that. I needed, and still do need, a counseller who understands what that means, and can help me deal with it, and talk it through, to help me.

For the future, well, I'm going to do my utmost to avoid situations where I can be bullied again. I don't want to become a bully, or be a victim, again. I want to be free, and safe. I recognise that ultimately, that is in God's hands, and he wants the best for me, so I try my hardest not to worry. I know that there is more pain to come, from the future, as well as the past, and I will have to go through it. That there are more incidents I will remember, and more people I need to forgive, but I am hopeful. I know that God is in this, He is working in me, to perfect me, and make me one of those people worthy to be called Sons of God. I leave it in His hands, and trust He will keep me. In the end, it's the safest thing to do.